MOVIE REVIEW: "MR. MAJESTYK"

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX: MR. MAJESTYK

Your first thought, just by looking at that poster, might be “How the hell does a guy get a last name like Majestyk?”, and I have the answer for you – shut the fuck up or Charles Bronson will hide in a tree outside your house with a shotgun and kill anything that walks out your front door.

Your second question might be “What is Mr. Majestyk about?”, but you’re only asking that because you’ve never seen a Charles Bronson movie before. Let me tell you about Charles Bronson. Charles Bronson thrives on revenge. Charles Bronson’s body is an indiscriminate, death-dealing killing machine that is oiled with the blood of rapists, muggers, dirty cops, and gang members.

The biggest mistake anyone can make in a Charles Bronson movie is fucking with Charles Bronson. You rape his family? Hang his brother? Kill his daughter? Or, in the case of Mr. Majestyk, shoot his motherfucking water melons? That’s when Charles Bronson turns the knob on his brain from the default GRUMPY OLD MAN setting to REVENGE-INDUCED KILL FRENZY (there are no settings in between) and starts pumping shotgun rounds into dudes’ chests.

Mr. Majestyk, just like every Charles Bronson movie ever made, is about Charles Bronson hunting down and murdering the stupid people that piss him off. Bronson plays a guy named Vincent Majestyk, who, when he's not trying to explain a very improbable last name on what must be a daily basis, spends his time running a melon farm somewhere near the Mexican border. There’s conflict with a local thug, who’s just some asshole cowboy douchebag that wants to replace Majestyk’s loyal migrant workers with his own hobo workforce. Majestyk, because he’s Charles Bronson, responds by throwing the guy over the hood of a car and smashing him in the testicles with the butt of a shotgun.


While he’s in jail for crushing that guy’s balls, Majestyk ends up pissing off a Mexican hitman. This will come back later, because the Mexican hitman escapes from jail and teams up with the asshole cowboy douchebag to teach Vince Majestyk a lesson. Their methods of terror include a ten minute scene where they heartlessly execute Majestyk’s melon crops with machine guns, another scene where they crush a Mexican dude’s legs with a big-ass 70’s Cadillac, and lots of “Grrrrr, I’m gonna get that Majestyk!” dialogue. Bronson finally has enough, flips that switch, and starts his rampage. The trailers for the movie say some shit about Charles Bronson being “the hero inside all of us” or something, because maybe when somebody pisses you off you want to push their car off a cliff and watch it explode with cold dead eyes, but Charles Bronson is the guy who actually does crazy shit like that. I’m not even sure there’s anything technically heroic about shooting at cars from the back of a speeding pickup truck hauling ass through the desert, but it is definitely pretty damn awesome.

And, like, I don’t know exactly where Mr. Majestyk takes place, but you know it’s the South, because for one thing every other character is named Miguel or Juan, so it’s near Mexico, but also there are lots of cops running around, but as far as I can tell they don’t actually do anything at all, and seem to be perfectly happy watching Charles Bronson execute motherfuckers in their own houses and shit. Me, I live up North, and around here shit like that’s considered a crime, or even multiple crimes, but in this town it’s apparently just how you do things. At one point some cop is like, “Hey, should we do something about Mr. Majestyk's murder rampage?” and the chief detective guy on the case is like, “The fuck do I look like, the law or something?” and then in the next scene Charles Bronson hides behind a big rock and kills off like four guys sniper-style. All the cops ever do is shake their collective fingers at him, like, “Oh, you crazy Mr. Majestyk. Who will you kill next?”

The answer to that question, of course, is anybody he fucking wants to. The whole thing comes down to what I call “SHOWDOWN AT LOG CABIN”, where Majestyk sits outside the Mexican hitman’s rocking 70's log cabin, and basically kills anything that moves. The hitman tries to be all sneaky, and sends a dude out to fake a truce, but motherfucking Mr. Majestyk is hiding on the goddamn roof and shoots the guy through the top of his head.

When all the killing is finally over, the cops don’t even arrest Mr. Majestyk or anything, even though he's pretty much technically a serial killer at this point. I guess from their stance the only thing Mr. Majestyk ever did was kill a bunch of assholes who needed killing anyways, so they basically tell him to get lost so they can cover the whole thing up.

The lesson of Mr. Majestyk, and every Charles Bronson movie ever made, is that sometimes the law just doesn’t give you justice, and you have to get it yourself, usually by grabbing your shotgun and killing people until you feel better.

ROBOCOP 4, TERRORISTS 0

I've come up with a pretty good idea for a movie. It's a perfect blending of action, sci-fi, and political commentary. I'm thinking of pitching it to Hollywood, and this one will cement my place as a Hollywood power player. The best part is that this movie it can be worked in as the fourth part of an already established franchise, automatically giving it audience awareness and fan buzz.

Picture this: We open on a tight aerial shot of New York City. We start on a landmark, the Empire State Building or something, and pull out until eventually the entire skyline of the city is visible. I figure this can be accomplished with CGI, since anyone who's seen Van Helsing or Attack of the Clones can tell you CGI is the best thing ever and the more you use the better, even if it looks like crap.

So now we're looking at New York City, right? Some text comes across the bottom of the screen, with sound effects like it's being typed on a computer, because that's cool too. It says "New York City", so you know it's New York City, and then it says "The Future", so you know it takes place in the future.

Then New York City EXPLODES.

Next we go to an opening credits sequence that is twenty minutes long and costs 200 million dollars.

CUT TO: the President of the United States, played by Ben Affleck. He's wicked pissed off because New York City exploded. The Chief of Security of the United States, Morgan Freeman, tells him that the Chief of Gathering Information on Bad Guys, Dennis Quaid, told him to tell him that it was probably terrorists that made New York City explode. Affleck gets even more wicked pissed off, and tells Morgan Freeman to get the best man for the job. It's not explicitly stated in this scene, but "the job" is finding terrorists and kicking their asses.

CUT TO: An under-lit government building where everything is tinted green. Morgan Freeman is talking to a guy that looks at a computer screen all the time. Because the guy looks at a computer screen all the time, he's the guy in the movie that knows everything and answers everyone's questions. He's also very sarcastic and treats everyone like they're dumb. He's played by Joe Pantoliano.

Joey Pants tells Azeem that the guy he's looking for is retired, and working as a government test pilot at a secret airbase somewhere in Nevada. Morgan Freeman looks into the camera and says "Looks like I'm going to Nevada."

CUT TO: Nevada. We know it's Nevada because some text comes up on the screen that says "Secret military air base - Nevada". Morgan Freeman is at the airfield, watching a top secret super-sonic stealth fighter jet fly so fast that it needs to be made out of CGI. There's lots of crazy shots of the CGI plane flying around real fast while the camera spins around it at weird angles for no other reason that CGI lets you do crazy shit like that even if it doesn't look good. While all this is going on, there's a sarcastic woman telling Morgan Freeman that the pilot is crazy and has no fear and loves to look death in the face and is sexy. The woman is played by Leah Remini from King of Queens, because she does that "sarcastic bitch" thing pretty well, she's kind of hot but not main love interest hot, will do a shitty bit part for dirt cheap, and will probably wear a tight shirt with no bra so we can see her nipples poking through.

When the top secret CGI super-sonic stealth fighter jet lands, there's all this smoke and dramatic music, because the pilot (who's the hero of the movie) is about to appear for the first time. There's lots of slow motion close-ups as Morgan Freeman walks out to see the pilot. In slow motion, the pilot walks out from all this smoke and stuff and we finally see him for the first time.

The pilot? None other than...






FUCKING ROBOCOP.

Robocop tells Morgan Freeman that he's retired and out of the game, he's done killing bad guys. As Robocop lights up a cigar, Morgan Freeman tells him that the fate of the world is at stake. Robocop takes a slow drag on the cigar, lets it out, and says, "Isn't it always?" This establishes that Robocop and Morgan Freeman are old friends, and that Robocop has saved the world a lot of times.

Suddenly, someone blows off Leah Remini's head and all the buildings at the base start blowing up. Terrorists have come to steal the top secret CGI super-sonic stealth fighter jet! Robocop kills a bunch of the terrorists in creative ways, like shoving a grenade through a guy's stomach and throwing him at other terrorists, and they all blow up.

Morgan Freeman gets shot, and Robocop yells "NOOOOO!", and while Robocop is tenderly cradling Morgan Freeman in his arms, the terrorists take off with the top secret CGI super-sonic stealth fighter jet. Even though there's like four hundred bullets in his chest, Morgan Freeman is still alive long enough to tell Robocop that he's always been his best friend, and says "If you won't do it for your country... do it for me..." and then he dies. Robocop yells "NOOOOOO!" again, and we fade to black.

From there things get kind of hazy, but the way I see it now, the terrorists turn out to be cyborgs who deal drugs and were really built by OUR OWN GOVERNMENT in a Tom Clancy-ish twist. When the CIA couldn't control their drug dealing cyborgs they shipped them all over to the Middle East, where they secretly plotted their revenge against America and its Christian god.

So Robocop starts a one-man war on the terrorists, and for the next 45 minutes he proceeds to kill at least 800 terrorist cyborgs in the most graphic and imaginative ways possible, spouting one-liners the whole time. Along the way he meets a hot super-smart female nuclear scientist, played by Halle Berry, who somehow is the only person in the world that has information the terrorists desperately need, but of course she has no way of protecting herself. Robocop decides that even though it's probably a really shitty idea and she'll get in his way all the time and will constantly need rescuing, it would be best if Halle Berry and him became partners. There's this really graphic sex scene where Robocop does Halle Berry from behind on a beach, and that will probably be cut from the theatrical version, but we can put it on the unrated director's cut DVD.

Again, things are a little hazy, but the whole thing ends with Robocop in a one-on-one battle with the cyborg terrorist leader (Ben Kingsley) in the middle of a burning oil field, and then Robocop gets the top secret CGI super-sonic stealth fighter jet back and uses it to blow up the entire Middle East. The end credits will feature an original song by Aerosmith or Metallica, or Aerosmith featuring Metallica, or Metallica featuring Steven Tyler.

The budget will probably be somewhere around $900 million, and it will be opening in the summer of 2010.

Since it's the fourth Robocop movie, I think it should be called Robocop 4, Terrorists 0.


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