I had a dream last night where Sylvester Stallone was running for President on the grounds that Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn't and America was desperate for an action hero in the White House. For some reason, Frank Black from the Pixies was some sort of special government agent who was trying to assassinate Stallone, but kept accidentally shooting Stallone's brother Frank, who was acting as a body double for Sly. My role in all of this was that Frank Black wanted me to kill Frank Stallone, so he could have a clear shot at Sly.

I know this sounds really stupid, but it's all true, and that's probably why. I want to see those people who believe that all dreams have some sort of meaning try and pick this one apart. Come on, tell me that Sylvester Stallone represents my deep-hidden yearning for achievement or something.

Also, Kurt Cobain was in the dream too. He was in a police line-up, and for some reason he was really fat.

ACTION JACKSON SHOULD HAVE WON AN OSCAR

Action Jackson is a great movie. Here are some reasons you should watch Action Jackson.

- In one scene, Action Jackson throws Billy from Predator out a window. He goes flying across a street and into another window. Read that again. Action Jackson throws a guy out of a building and the guy lands IN ANOTHER BUILDING. It's in slow motion, of course, which makes it even more fucking awesome.

- At the end Craig T. Nelson fights Carl Weathers with kung fu. That really happens in a movie. If I were making that up I'd be a jackass, but it's totally there. It's insane.

- That psychologist chick from the Lethal Weapon movies gets punched in the face and flies through a plate glass window that happens to be standing up in the middle of the room (?) and dies. Then this guy gets shot by a rocket launcher or something, catches on fire, falls out a window while on fire, crashes through a glass skylight and lands in a restaurant. And all that's just in the opening scene.

- Action Jackson dares a guy in a taxi to run him over. The guy was going to just shoot him, but Action Jackson starts calling him a pussy and stuff. So the guy guns it and it looks like he's totally going to mow down Action Jackson, except Action Jackson jumps and flips over the taxi cab and the car crashes into like four other cars and goes through a window. It's like The Matrix or some shit, except it's Carl Weathers in a polo shirt and it's a hundred times more nuts.

- Craig T. Nelson has sex with Sharon Stone and Vanity, because Craig T. Nelson is a fucking pimp.

- That guy in Die Hard who looks like Huey Lewis is in it too, and Action Jackson asks him "How do you like your ribs?" and then he blows him up. He also tells a guy to "Chill out" and then he shoots that guy with a flame thrower, which doesn't make any sense, which of course means it's totally awesome.

- This big black guy comes to Action Jackson's rescue at one point. He jumps down from the roof like a bald overweight African-American Errol Flynn or something, but instead of saying something really cool or badass when he does it, he yells "HELLO I'M MR. ED" It's really fucked up because his name isn't even Mr. Ed or anything.

- There's a scene where Action Jackson drives a car through Craig T. Nelson's house, and he crushes that fat bald guy from Darkman up against the wall, and then he drives the car up like three flights of stairs and through the wall of Craig T. Nelson's bedroom. Then he gets out of the car and that's when the whole kung fu fight happens. It's like the movie is saying "You think Apollo Creed driving a Ferrari up a bunch of stairs inside a house is crazy? Check this out" and then Craig T. Nelson starts doing spin kicks and shit.

There's a bunch of crazy stuff I didn't even talk about, like Action Jackson pretending to be a crazy preacher guy and then beating the shit out of five guys while a church chorus sings on the soundtrack, more people getting blown up and/or thrown through windows, Bill Duke, and even some nudity.