ACTION JACKSON SHOULD HAVE WON AN OSCAR

Action Jackson is a great movie. Here are some reasons you should watch Action Jackson.

- In one scene, Action Jackson throws Billy from Predator out a window. He goes flying across a street and into another window. Read that again. Action Jackson throws a guy out of a building and the guy lands IN ANOTHER BUILDING. It's in slow motion, of course, which makes it even more fucking awesome.

- At the end Craig T. Nelson fights Carl Weathers with kung fu. That really happens in a movie. If I were making that up I'd be a jackass, but it's totally there. It's insane.

- That psychologist chick from the Lethal Weapon movies gets punched in the face and flies through a plate glass window that happens to be standing up in the middle of the room (?) and dies. Then this guy gets shot by a rocket launcher or something, catches on fire, falls out a window while on fire, crashes through a glass skylight and lands in a restaurant. And all that's just in the opening scene.

- Action Jackson dares a guy in a taxi to run him over. The guy was going to just shoot him, but Action Jackson starts calling him a pussy and stuff. So the guy guns it and it looks like he's totally going to mow down Action Jackson, except Action Jackson jumps and flips over the taxi cab and the car crashes into like four other cars and goes through a window. It's like The Matrix or some shit, except it's Carl Weathers in a polo shirt and it's a hundred times more nuts.

- Craig T. Nelson has sex with Sharon Stone and Vanity, because Craig T. Nelson is a fucking pimp.

- That guy in Die Hard who looks like Huey Lewis is in it too, and Action Jackson asks him "How do you like your ribs?" and then he blows him up. He also tells a guy to "Chill out" and then he shoots that guy with a flame thrower, which doesn't make any sense, which of course means it's totally awesome.

- This big black guy comes to Action Jackson's rescue at one point. He jumps down from the roof like a bald overweight African-American Errol Flynn or something, but instead of saying something really cool or badass when he does it, he yells "HELLO I'M MR. ED" It's really fucked up because his name isn't even Mr. Ed or anything.

- There's a scene where Action Jackson drives a car through Craig T. Nelson's house, and he crushes that fat bald guy from Darkman up against the wall, and then he drives the car up like three flights of stairs and through the wall of Craig T. Nelson's bedroom. Then he gets out of the car and that's when the whole kung fu fight happens. It's like the movie is saying "You think Apollo Creed driving a Ferrari up a bunch of stairs inside a house is crazy? Check this out" and then Craig T. Nelson starts doing spin kicks and shit.

There's a bunch of crazy stuff I didn't even talk about, like Action Jackson pretending to be a crazy preacher guy and then beating the shit out of five guys while a church chorus sings on the soundtrack, more people getting blown up and/or thrown through windows, Bill Duke, and even some nudity.

TEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE (AN INCOMPLETE LIST)

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE
(An Incomplete List in No Particular Order)

- Make a good Superman movie

- Have sex with a beautiful girl on a big pile of cash

- Invent or buy a time machine

- Punch Geraldo Rivera right in his fucking throat until he dies and then possibly pull off his mustache to hang as a trophy on my wall

- Ask Harrison Ford why he thinks it's okay to wear that fucking stupid earring and depending on his answer punch him right in the fucking throat until he dies and then pull out his earring to hang as a trophy on my wall

- Buy a house with some really big empty walls

- Wear a suit of armor and ride a horse the wrong way down the middle of a busy highway, challenging oncoming cars to a joust

- Rob a bank and escape via helicopter

- Have an elaborate fist fight with a clone of Adolf Hitler aboard a massive zeppelin that's on fire which ends with me throwing him off the top of the zeppelin and him getting impaled on the top of the Empire State Building

- Travel back in time to see a real dinosaur and then shoot the dinosaur so I can mount its head as a trophy on my wall

- Jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle

- Jump the Statue of Liberty on a motorcycle

- Jump a ninety-story high stack of motorcycles on a motorcycle

- Jump Evel Knievel on a motorcycle

- Jump a ninety-story-high stack of VHS copies of 1977's Viva Knievel! on a motorcycle while Evel Knievel sings the National Anthem

- Overcome my fears of motorcycles and heights

- Have a sword fight but with chainsaws

- Clothesline Oprah Winfrey on live TV

- Be the first man to land on Mars

- Be the first man to breakdance on Mars

- Learn how to do the moonwalk

- Be the first man to do the moonwalk on Mars

- Invent a dance called the "Marswalk" and do it on the Moon

- Actually physically kill two birds with one stone

- Kill four birds with two stones

- In a strange and tragic twist, somehow smash a stone to pieces using only a live bird

TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW
ABOUT CHARLTON HESTON


- Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner got into a fist fight on the set of The Ten Commandments that killed fifty two innocent bystanders and flattened half of the Paramount backlot in the process. The fight was finally ended when Heston's mighty teeth-gritting was no match for the power of Yul Brynner's glare. Director Cecille B. DeMille maintained until his death that if Yul Brynner had no eyes, Heston would have beaten him to death.
Fans of both men maintain that had Heston in fact beaten a blind man to death, that would either make him a total jerk or really awesome.

- Charlton Heston had a cameo in Wayne's World 2. Rumor has it that while on set, Heston called Mike Myers an "unfunny Canadian piece of shit" and then knocked him out cold with a right hook. It is, however, a well-known fact that Charlton Heston banged Tia Carrere and Kim Basinger at the same time, and then all three of them took turns kicking Mike Myers in the balls.

- Charlton Heston had a small role in the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie The Order. Heston played the role of Dr. Walter Finley and also performed all of Van Damme's stunts.

- Charlton Heston has Alzheimer's, so he probably doesn't remember he was in the Planet of the Apes remake, and if his family truly loves him, they'll never remind him. (note: this list was written before Charlton Heston died faked his own death to escape massive gambling debts incurred betting on hobo pitfights)

- Charlton Heston liked chariot racing so much while filming Ben Hur, he was actually arrested for riding his chariot through traffic in downtown Los Angeles. Charges were dropped, however, when Heston kidnapped the wife of the arresting officer and threatened to break her neck with his bare hands. The officer complied and an obviously intoxicated Charlton Heston drove his chariot off a cliff, resulting in the bloody death of four perfectly good horses. Heston walked away unscathed.

- While filming his video series Charlton Heston Presents the Bible, Charlton Heston found the original resting place of Christ, proved the Shroud of Tourin wasn't a fake, drank from the Holy Grail, wrestled a bear to death for no good reason, walked on water, and was actually crucified and came back to life. Nobody knows this, though, because who buys shit for sale in a TV infomercial anyways?

- Charlton Heston once played Hamlet in high school and did such a good job William Shakespeare himself came back from the dead to congratulate him. Heston, modest as ever, said it was merely because he was so full of alcohol that his acting was so amazing. Then he threw up all over Shakespeare's shirt, which was really awkward.

- The scene at the end of Beneath the Planet of the Apes where Charlton Heston blows up the entire planet actually happened. It is only thanks to some time-travelling astronauts lucky enough to escape the blast that the world as we know it exists today. Footage of Heston destroying the world was kept in the movie as a warning to future generations.

- As President and spokesperson for the NRA, Charlton Heston feels it is man's God-given right to own guns. Heston also feels it is man's God-given right to force underage boys to perform fellatio at gunpoint, but nobody's ever made him a spokesperson for that.

- Charlton Heston was presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Most people think he received the award because he's a famous actor, but the real reason is because he's a famous rich actor.

- Charlton Heston was the first recipient of the American Film Institute's Charlton Heston Award, which really makes sense when you think about it.

Observations and Things Learned in Spider-Man 3:

- Killing people and robbing banks is okay, as long as you cry about your sick daughter any time someone calls you on it.

- Convenient amnesia is a great way to sideline one of your major plot threads so you can throw in some other shit a bunch of nerds on the internet wanted you to put in your movie.

- Topher Grace is actually a clone of Tobey Maguire. Seriously, they're like brothers from different mothers or something.

- Mary Jane is a dirty whore.

- Just like Peter Parker's spider-sense, Aunt May apparently has wisdom-sense, which alerts her when a character is in crisis and sage advice is needed. I'm assuming she can show up wherever she wants without having a car due to New York City's mass transit system, and not because her wisdom-sense instantly teleports her to whoever she needs to lecture.

- One of Spider-Man's little known powers? The ability to cause any background extra to burst into spontaneous convulsions of joy every time he swings by.

- Judging by the way Peter Parker changes his hair and clothes when he wears his black costume, it's safe to say that every member of Fall Out Boy has bonded with a symbiote from outer space.

- "You broke into my house, beat the crap out of me, and horribly disfigured my face. But since you didn't kill my dad, I'll gladly sacrifice my life for you! By the way, my creepy senile butler says hi."

- Your average movie-going audience is so stupid that they need a flashback from earlier in the same movie to remind them that alien symbiotes are allergic to loud noises. You know, just in case you took a bathroom break or had a mild stroke during the five minute scene with the symbiote writhing in pain next to the huge bell.

- "Hi, my name is James Cromwell, and I'll do anything for a paycheck."

- Bruce Campbell does a better Inspector Clouseau than Steve Martin.

- Did I mention Mary Jane is a dirty whore? Because she totally is.

- At some point, after a week consisting of constantly fighting super villains, foiling robberies, nearly dying on a handful of occasions, and generally saving the city of New York from its own idiocy on a daily basis, a guy has to turn to his needy girlfriend and say "You know what? Some fucking sympathy would be really nice."

- Everybody knows Peter Parker is a really nice guy, but they treat him like crap anyways. See above.

- Tobey Maguire has lost his Spider-Man bulk. Watch the movie again. He's got a flabby little double chin and there aren't any of those random "Peter Takes His Shirt Off" scenes that were sprinkled into the last two movies.

- New York City is full of random holes that destabilize your molecules.

- If a snarling creature with huge white eyes and nasty sharp teeth randomly jumps you on a dark street corner, he's of no real concern because he's not Spider-Man. Just turn around and walk away.

- Even if a crazy alien monster throws a flying snowboard through your chest, you still have enough life (and blood) left to wait around while Spider-Man finishes his big climactic fight before you forgive him with your dying breath.

- Mary Jane, seriously? Your boyfriend is off saving hundreds of people from certain death, and you get lonely and go make out with his best friend? What are you even mad at him for anyways? Did you forget that maybe he's not consoling you after you've been fired from your shitty Broadway play because you never fucking told him you got fired from your shitty Broadway play. You whore.

Seriously though, the movie was not that good.