"Here's the big news- Osama bin Laden is still alive, people. Call him Osama, Usama, whatever, the guy is bad news. I thought maybe we were rid of him. Turns out that's not the case. I hate this guy. This is a no spin zone. Bin Laden is more evil than ten Hitlers and he would rape your mother and sacrifice her to his heathen gods if he could. When I was over there, single-handedly fighting terrorists to the death, I saw Osama bin Laden rip the head off a white baby and drink the blood. Now he's got a message for us. Let's listen."
"HELLO CORRUPT AMERICAN PIGS! IT IS I, THE EVIL AND INFAMOUS OSAMA BIN LADEN! I AM NOT DEAD, DESPITE MANY RUMORS AND WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE READ IN THE NEW YORK POST A COUPLE YEARS AGO! FEAR ME! BOOOOOO! LOOK OUT AMERICA, I'M STILL ALIVE! I'M LIVING IN A CAVE AND I'M ON A DIALYSIS MACHINE, BUT I'M DANGEROUS! I'M NOT DEAD AT ALL, BUT IN FACT AM CURRENTLY PLOTTING A VERY NASTY TERRORIST PLOT BECAUSE I HATE YOU FOR YOUR FREEDOM! GRRRRR! FREEDOM IS STUPID! PRAISE ALLAH! JESUS SUCKS! THERE'S NO WAY THIS IS SOME OLD TAPE YOUR AMERICAN GOVERNMENT JUST DUG UP AND GAVE TO THE PRESS TO KEEP YOU ALL AFRAID! AND DON'T EVEN THINK THAT THERE'S NO WAY ANYONE WOULD KNOW IF IT'S REALLY ME OR NOT ANYWAYS! ANY MINUTE NOW I'M GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR TOWN! BE VERY AFRAID! SPEND LOTS OF MONEY! CONSUME AND REPRODUCE! FEAR FEAR FEAR! THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT WILL FALL AT MY KNEES! I WILL STRIKE OUT FROM MY CAVE! WATCH OUT! IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!"
"That's scary stuff. I'm really afraid right now. If I wasn't the biggest macho man in the world, I'd be wetting myself right here. We're gonna talk more about this in a minute, but first a commercial break. When we come back, I'm going to shout over some liberal Commie that I invited on my show just to ambush, and then I'm going to suck a bald eagle's dick because I love this country so damn much."
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