TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW
ABOUT CHARLTON HESTON


- Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner got into a fist fight on the set of The Ten Commandments that killed fifty two innocent bystanders and flattened half of the Paramount backlot in the process. The fight was finally ended when Heston's mighty teeth-gritting was no match for the power of Yul Brynner's glare. Director Cecille B. DeMille maintained until his death that if Yul Brynner had no eyes, Heston would have beaten him to death.
Fans of both men maintain that had Heston in fact beaten a blind man to death, that would either make him a total jerk or really awesome.

- Charlton Heston had a cameo in Wayne's World 2. Rumor has it that while on set, Heston called Mike Myers an "unfunny Canadian piece of shit" and then knocked him out cold with a right hook. It is, however, a well-known fact that Charlton Heston banged Tia Carrere and Kim Basinger at the same time, and then all three of them took turns kicking Mike Myers in the balls.

- Charlton Heston had a small role in the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie The Order. Heston played the role of Dr. Walter Finley and also performed all of Van Damme's stunts.

- Charlton Heston has Alzheimer's, so he probably doesn't remember he was in the Planet of the Apes remake, and if his family truly loves him, they'll never remind him. (note: this list was written before Charlton Heston died faked his own death to escape massive gambling debts incurred betting on hobo pitfights)

- Charlton Heston liked chariot racing so much while filming Ben Hur, he was actually arrested for riding his chariot through traffic in downtown Los Angeles. Charges were dropped, however, when Heston kidnapped the wife of the arresting officer and threatened to break her neck with his bare hands. The officer complied and an obviously intoxicated Charlton Heston drove his chariot off a cliff, resulting in the bloody death of four perfectly good horses. Heston walked away unscathed.

- While filming his video series Charlton Heston Presents the Bible, Charlton Heston found the original resting place of Christ, proved the Shroud of Tourin wasn't a fake, drank from the Holy Grail, wrestled a bear to death for no good reason, walked on water, and was actually crucified and came back to life. Nobody knows this, though, because who buys shit for sale in a TV infomercial anyways?

- Charlton Heston once played Hamlet in high school and did such a good job William Shakespeare himself came back from the dead to congratulate him. Heston, modest as ever, said it was merely because he was so full of alcohol that his acting was so amazing. Then he threw up all over Shakespeare's shirt, which was really awkward.

- The scene at the end of Beneath the Planet of the Apes where Charlton Heston blows up the entire planet actually happened. It is only thanks to some time-travelling astronauts lucky enough to escape the blast that the world as we know it exists today. Footage of Heston destroying the world was kept in the movie as a warning to future generations.

- As President and spokesperson for the NRA, Charlton Heston feels it is man's God-given right to own guns. Heston also feels it is man's God-given right to force underage boys to perform fellatio at gunpoint, but nobody's ever made him a spokesperson for that.

- Charlton Heston was presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Most people think he received the award because he's a famous actor, but the real reason is because he's a famous rich actor.

- Charlton Heston was the first recipient of the American Film Institute's Charlton Heston Award, which really makes sense when you think about it.