HOLY FUCK RAMBO

Have you seen Rambo yet?

Ho.

Lee.

Shit.

I walked into the theater thinking I was a man. An hour and twenty minutes later I left knowing that before I was not a man, but Rambo had just made me one. Rambo is an action movie that lines up every action movie made in the last decade or two and fucking shoots those pansy-ass movies in the head execution style. Then Rambo takes their heads off with a machete and puts them on spikes as a warning to other movies that want to call themselves action movies. Rambo takes the bar and sets it so high it automatically becomes the best action movie released this year, and it fucking dares any other movie to try and top it.

Here's what you are going to do this week: First, rent First Blood, because you probably haven't seen it and if you have it was too long ago. If you own First Blood on DVD, then you and I are probably friends and I bet you want to see Rambo already if you haven't yet. Second, after watching First Blood, you're going to your local movie theater, buy a ticket to Rambo (and then you might buy some popcorn or some M&M's and maybe a Coke), then you're gonna sit down and watch Sylvester Stallone fucking own the action genre for the next decade.

Why? Because you owe it to yourself. When was the last time you sat in a theater and watched an R-rated movie that really seemed like it was for fucking grown-ups and not some sissy shit that's just a PG-13 movie with a few drops of extra blood and one or two F-bombs? Rambo takes the fucking R rating to the limit. It's so R-rated that if you took out all the R-rated parts you'd have a fifteen minute movie of Sylvester Stallone driving a boat up a river. Everything else is just gore and carnage.

Like, seriously, I walked out of Rambo and I was almost speechless. I felt like someone had been slapping me in the face for an hour. If this is the last action movie Sylvester Stallone ever makes, he leaves the genre having crowned himself the modern king.


Pictured: John Rambo and an Asian guy, seconds before John Rambo decapitates the Asian guy with a homemade machete and murders 250 people in 15 minutes

I could give you a plot synopsis, but really here's all you need to know - Rambo goes to Burma and cuts their country's population in half. Maybe that's inaccurate, because I don't know how many people live in Burma, but after John fucking Rambo shows up there's a whole lot less of them. You can't even tell how much less, because they're not even whole people anymore. They've been cut in half by machine gun fire, decapitated and/or disemboweled by machetes, impaled by arrows, blown in to wet chunks by landmines, impaled by arrows and then blown in to wet chunks by landmines, or just had their fucking throats torn out by John Rambo's bare hands.

People don't just get shot in Rambo, they get shredded by bullets. The last 20 minutes of the goddamn movie is almost nothing but soldiers getting torn to bloody shreds by John Rambo. Heads pop open, chests explode, limbs fly off. I'm not even doing it justice by telling you what happens, because it's so visceral and constant and amazingly graphic that if someone told me this was a documentary about Sylvester Stallone murdering the entire army of Burma with a Jeep-mounted .60 caliber machine gun, at that point I would probably believe them. It's the kind of shit that makes your jaw hit the floor. It's like all the violence from every awesome action movie Stallone hasn't made since 1988 has just been building up inside the man for the last twenty years and Rambo is his catharsis. Rambo probably has enough insane violence in the last scene alone to spread across three or four other, more shitty movies.

When Rambo ends, you'll want to cry. First of all because the ending is fucking cool as hell and is a perfect way for Stallone to retire the John Rambo character, but you'll also want to cry because Rambo just made you its fucking bitch and you liked it. It's something close to a perfect movie, because it does not try to be anything it isn't, only revel in what it is. There is no forced romantic interest, no clunky comic relief, no attempts to sensitize or soften up the character.

Also I saw Cloverfield this weekend and even though it had a giant monster it didn't have Stallone turning an entire truck full of soldiers into goo with a giant machine gun so I don't feel like talking about it right now.