George Hamilton should be on TV more. I think he should have two shows, on competing networks, but in the same timeslot. Maybe one is like "George Hamilton Learns Karate" or something, and the other is "George Hamilton: STRANDED!", and people have to decide which they'd rather see George Hamilton do - kick boards in half and karate chop women in the throat, or murder a tiger using only his bare hands and then eat the tiger while stranded in some jungle somewhere.
Maybe they could combine the two for a crazy sweeps week crossover. I know a show with George Hamilton karate chopping tigers is definitely something I'd tune in to see.
Also, in "STRANDED!", George Hamilton would repeatedly be begging the camera crew following him around to give him food and shelter. There would be one episode where George Hamilton, wearing only the skin of a gazelle he wrestled to death, spends the whole time banging on the windows of the SUV the camera crew has locked itself inside of.
At the end, George Hamilton shatters the windshield with a hand-fashioned club made of elephant bones (from an elephant that he wrestled to death, naturally), and carries a female producer off into the jungle, where he sexually conquers her.
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LARRY KING LIVE TELEVISION TRANSCRIPT
GUEST(S): GEORGE HAMILTON
LARRY KING: "We've got a lot to talk about tonight, so let's get going. My guest is George Hamilton. George, pleasure to have you on the show."
GEORGE HAMILTON: (sexily) "A pleasure to be here, Larry. Thanks."
LARRY KING: "George Hamilton is famous, well known, for many things. He's handsome. A good looking guy. He's an actor. Been in movies. I must say, George, you're looking-- you're always very tanned. It's sort of your signature look. But tonight you look tanner, more tanned than usual."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Yes. Yes. Actually, I had sun burn really bad. Horrible sun burn. The doctors-- I went to the hospital, and the doctors, they told me it was bad. Three layers peeled off me, Larry, of skin. Three layers of skin. I shed it like a snake."
LARRY KING: "And underneath you were--"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Underneath it was tanned. I'm so lucky. They had never seen anything like it. They were baffled, absolutely baffled. They said I had taken so much, that I had absorbed so much rays that I'm probably this magnificent golden bronze all the way to my bones. I probably have a tan on my bones. My skeleton is tanned. I'm blessed."
LARRY KING: "Is that healthy? I've never heard of that. That can't be good."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "No, I'm blessed. Can you imagine? I probably have the sexiest skeleton you've ever seen." (laughs)
LARRY KING: "I don't know about that. Last week Lara Flynn Boyle was here."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Ah."
(Awkward silence)
LARRY KING: "So normally you are tan, now you are more tanned. How did all this tanning happen? Let's talk about that. It's what you're here to talk about. Your shows."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Yes. I have shows. I'm in shows."
LARRY KING: "Let's talk about them, George."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "They're my shows. I'm in them, I'm the star. They're about me."
LARRY KING: "What are they called? What are the names of your shows?"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Well in one of them... It follows me, you know? It's me and the cameras while I'm learning... I learn karate. It was a blast. I'm a lethal weapon now. A killing machine."
LARRY KING: "How much did--"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "HEEEE-YAAAAA!" (karate chops the air)
LARRY KING: "Very deadly. How long did this take? How long was this filmed, this show?"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Uh, six weeks. It was about six weeks. You really see the progress in the show, you know? When I start out, they've got me and they're showing me the ropes. They're showing me what this stuff can do. Karate, yeah? They toss me around a little bit."
LARRY KING: "The karate teachers? The instructors? They have their way with you?"
long pause
GEORGE HAMILTON: "What are-- No, no. It's... it's karate. There's no... there's none of that. They throw me around, you know? No sex. They don't have sex with me. It's not that kind of--"
LARRY KING: "That isn't what I meant. I just meant--"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "I would never do that. I'm not-- Did anyone... Who told you that? Who said that about me?"
LARRY KING: "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant they throw you around. They have their way with you as karate instructors. Show you the ropes, right? They just show you the ropes."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Yes. Yeah, that's it. That's right. They kind of bust me up a little. It's nothing like..."
LARRY KING: "So how much did you learn? Six weeks, you can learn a lot of karate in six weeks?"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Larry, I know fifty seven ways to kill a man with my bare hands."
LARRY KING: "That's a lot of ways, a variety of ways."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Like the Heinz 57, right? This is the Hamilton 57. 57 ways to kill. Each one a different flavor of death."
LARRY KING: "Are there really that many? I mean, how many ways can you really kill a person with your hands? Do you chop, and punch, and what?"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Get me fifty seven people in here. I'm serious. Put me in a room with fifty seven people and I will murder each one of them in a completely new and different way. Have them all-- They don't stand a chance. Have them surround me. All at once. Have them all come at me, and I will destroy them all. I'm a human killing machine now. I took the karate. I can do it. Next time I'm driving-- I'm in traffic, and someone cuts me off? They're dead. F***king dead. I will pull them out head first through their windshield and I will pummel the life out of them right there in the street. I'm not kidding-- You don't learn this power and not use it. It's like loading a gun, but not pulling the trigger."
LARRY KING: "You're a loaded gun."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "I'm gonna blow. I'm a three-fifty-seven. Next time-- You see. You'll hear about it. It's self defense, so it's okay. Someone, the paparazzi, they're chasing me down, I'm done running, you know? It's time to just..."
LARRY KING: "The paparazzi, they're tough. They've all got lawyers now. You touch them, you break their cameras, they go after you."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "F**k lawyers. Give me all the f**king lawyers on Earth. I'll cave their f**king heads in. I'm not f**king scared of f**king lawyers like some G*d damn p***y. I know karate, man. F**king karate is the great equalizer. I will karate these pricks to death. I will dance on their bones."
LARRY KING: "Okay."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Karate is intense, Larry. You know what I can do with f**king karate? I can-- Right now, if I wanted to-- I don't, but if I wanted to, I could fly out of this chair, right across your desk here, and I could kill you. Do it so fast the cameras wouldn't see. I would kill you with karate. Then I could bring you back to life..."
LARRY KING: "Bring me-- You can bring people back to life? With karate?"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "What the f**k do you know about karate, man? Of course you can, if you're good enough. You don't know the history of karate. I do. I did six weeks. I could kill you, and then I could bring you back to life. Pull your spirit back into your body, and then..."
LARRY KING: "My spirit?"
GEORGE HAMILTON: "Pull your spirit back and then kill you again, just because I f**king can. Karate is just f**king nuts like that. I can f**k you up so bad."
LARRY KING: "Okay. I know you're... Obviously you're very passionate about this, about karate. But I'm going to have to ask you to tone it down with the language. You can't... You can't say that word so much. You can't say it at all, really. But you really have to stop."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "You know, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'll stop saying-- I'll stop using that word. It's just karate, you know? You get going, and you don't notice. You get in the zone. I was making fists. When I was talking like that, I was in the karate zone. I was ready to do some karate. You almost saw it unleashed."
LARRY KING: "Well I'll consider myself lucky. Right now we've got to take a quick commercial break, but when we come back, more with George Hamilton. He's going to talk about his shows, and he's going to tell us what it's like to survive in the wild. He wrestled animals in the jungle."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "To death. I had to wrestle a lot of animals to death. That's the law of the jungle."
LARRY KING: "Kill or be killed."
GEORGE HAMILTON: "No, wrestling. That's how they settle things out there, the animals. It's all wrestling now. Wrestling to death, wrestle or be wrestled. Like Tarzan, he wrestled animals. Alligators and s**t."
LARRY KING: "We'll be right back."
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