Observations and Things Learned in Spider-Man 3:

- Killing people and robbing banks is okay, as long as you cry about your sick daughter any time someone calls you on it.

- Convenient amnesia is a great way to sideline one of your major plot threads so you can throw in some other shit a bunch of nerds on the internet wanted you to put in your movie.

- Topher Grace is actually a clone of Tobey Maguire. Seriously, they're like brothers from different mothers or something.

- Mary Jane is a dirty whore.

- Just like Peter Parker's spider-sense, Aunt May apparently has wisdom-sense, which alerts her when a character is in crisis and sage advice is needed. I'm assuming she can show up wherever she wants without having a car due to New York City's mass transit system, and not because her wisdom-sense instantly teleports her to whoever she needs to lecture.

- One of Spider-Man's little known powers? The ability to cause any background extra to burst into spontaneous convulsions of joy every time he swings by.

- Judging by the way Peter Parker changes his hair and clothes when he wears his black costume, it's safe to say that every member of Fall Out Boy has bonded with a symbiote from outer space.

- "You broke into my house, beat the crap out of me, and horribly disfigured my face. But since you didn't kill my dad, I'll gladly sacrifice my life for you! By the way, my creepy senile butler says hi."

- Your average movie-going audience is so stupid that they need a flashback from earlier in the same movie to remind them that alien symbiotes are allergic to loud noises. You know, just in case you took a bathroom break or had a mild stroke during the five minute scene with the symbiote writhing in pain next to the huge bell.

- "Hi, my name is James Cromwell, and I'll do anything for a paycheck."

- Bruce Campbell does a better Inspector Clouseau than Steve Martin.

- Did I mention Mary Jane is a dirty whore? Because she totally is.

- At some point, after a week consisting of constantly fighting super villains, foiling robberies, nearly dying on a handful of occasions, and generally saving the city of New York from its own idiocy on a daily basis, a guy has to turn to his needy girlfriend and say "You know what? Some fucking sympathy would be really nice."

- Everybody knows Peter Parker is a really nice guy, but they treat him like crap anyways. See above.

- Tobey Maguire has lost his Spider-Man bulk. Watch the movie again. He's got a flabby little double chin and there aren't any of those random "Peter Takes His Shirt Off" scenes that were sprinkled into the last two movies.

- New York City is full of random holes that destabilize your molecules.

- If a snarling creature with huge white eyes and nasty sharp teeth randomly jumps you on a dark street corner, he's of no real concern because he's not Spider-Man. Just turn around and walk away.

- Even if a crazy alien monster throws a flying snowboard through your chest, you still have enough life (and blood) left to wait around while Spider-Man finishes his big climactic fight before you forgive him with your dying breath.

- Mary Jane, seriously? Your boyfriend is off saving hundreds of people from certain death, and you get lonely and go make out with his best friend? What are you even mad at him for anyways? Did you forget that maybe he's not consoling you after you've been fired from your shitty Broadway play because you never fucking told him you got fired from your shitty Broadway play. You whore.

Seriously though, the movie was not that good.